By Scary Barry Rodriguez December 19, 2013
Chronic Ego Ejaculation (CEE) c. 10/18/2016.
Victims: Donald Trump
Common Symptoms: Drowsiness, Vertigo, Brain Defication ( brian waste matter). With a driving force in seeking the lost stroke.
Environmental Clues: yachs spitting; moose deficating; camels barfing; bees/flys flying backwards.
WARNING FOR NON VUPS : ( see SCARY TALK GLOSSARY 101 ) Translation for VUPS : Very unimportant people. You might be confused or offended by the original terminology presented here ! Creativity is something alien to people who live in boxes but think in circles. Ex jocks who are involved in Sports media may require the services of a life style translator that will help them understand what blue collar persons sans Athletic scholarships, butt kissing University boosters and unbridled adulation , experience every day of their ho hum lives !
THE PREVENT NOTHING DEFENSE ( for the NFL )
This is the brainchild of Vic Fangio , Defensive coordinator for the San Francisco 49ers. In this setup the intention is to let the other team , which is struggling on offense , score a touchdown so they can either win the game or keep it close ! In order to have this setup work correctly the over worked defensive unit , that has been kicking ass for three quarters , just plays cover 4 and lets the other team's offense work their way down field until they score a touchdown !
Note: If the other team uses " a no huddle offense " it will accelerate the Prevent Nothing Defense !
THE PREVENT OFFENSE ( for the NFL )
This the brainchild of Greg Roman , Offensive coordinator of the San Francisco 49ers
This offense is easy to understand for any armchair warrior watching the tube at home or ignorant ticket holder at the actual game. When the offense is positioned within five yards of the end zone , the object of this offense is to do the most obvious thing so that the other team's defense and the fans watching aren't required to strain their collective brains. On the one yard line no problem ! Let the other team stack the box and run ,run , run ! On the five yard line no problem ! Take a time out so the other team's defense can make substitutions ! Then run, run , run , or wait to third down and pass ! You can't go wrong using the Prevent Offense. The text messaging fans can do their thing without fear. They know you won't score a touchdown. Why wait , just bring out the field goal unit on first down. Exhibit A - the 49ers loss to the Baltimore Ravens in last years Superbowl !
STAT CHAT
This refers to the redundant recitation of statistics by jockcasters on television or the radio. Example : Jockcaster # 1 to Jockcaster # 2 , " did you realize that when Smith scratches his left buttocks he throws an inside strike 80 % percent of the time " or Lebron James has scored a triple , double-doubled and smack talk grand slam ! " Stat Chat makes puts sports fans asleep and keeps ex jockstars gainfully employed. One use for Stat Chat is to distract the television viewers from a going nowhere game by reciting a bunch of useless facts that have no impact on the " stinker " game . Also the use of the Stat Chat is supposed to impress everyone that the charisma challenged ex jock commentator is some kind of expert !
THE DUDLY DUO
Without question Troy Aikman and Joe Buck , who are NFL jockcasters, are the most worthy of this term. Both these guys in addition to be totally square, don't register on the Charismo meter at all ! Watching Troy Aikman's acting performance on the Papa John's pizza commercials is painful ! His broadcasting performance is snore worthy. Joe Buck epitomizes what "candy ass " means ! With his bow tie and bland look Buck is as exciting as waiting in line at the DMV ! He invokes the "kick sand in my face " feeling in anyone that has red blood poring through their veins ! He is a wimp !
ADVERSE TO WHAT WORKS
See : THE PREVENT NOTHING DEFENSE or PREVENT OFFENSE
BALLER TALK
The inane banter that middle aged non jocks and ex jockstars use when talking on television or the radio about sports. The ex jockstars use Baller Talk to coverup for the fact that someone else took their exams for Basket Weaving 1A when they were attending a University ! If they say " work the elbow " or " drop step " enough then they justify their boring existence on radio or television. The middle aged guys have to throw in some Baller Talk to show that they are hip to the new smack talking , stat collecting , " its about me " generation of players ! ( Ballers ) The usually more qualified women jockcasters have to grin and bear it while their male counterparts stink up the joint !
JOCKSTAR HIP
This term is a contradiction but I will do my best to explain it. Jockstars are so conceited that they think they fell out of the crib naturally hip. If they take a dump then it it is a hip dump ! If they are inarticulate then all the better in proving their hipness ! If a football player is from Oklahoma he is sure to show up on the west coast wearing something that won't get over like a purple blazer , green shoes and a bow tie. These jockstar players , whatever their sport , show up in suits with the color coordination of the blind ! Just to prove what squares NBA jockstars are , an exclusive group of them wear phoney glasses and bow ties. They got bank but not taste ! Mom used to dress them at home and now they are lost ! People with electronic devices permanently stuck in their ears are not hip. Anyone who expects or has had a 24 hour butt kissing life is not hip ! Smack talking via twitter earns an automatic exit from the hip list. These cats might make to the Hall of Fame but will never make it to the Hall of Hip !
FANS JOCKSTAR FANTASY
Unfortunately many gullible sports fans see their favorite jockstars in a televison commercial or video clip shucking and jiving and get the wrong positive impression. The phoney friendly jockstar facade is just that, a stone front ! They will give a fan the bums rush in a New York minute. Its no picnic for the beat writers or lesser media types to try and get an interview with the mostly charm school dropout Jockstars. Yes , they do commercials and phoney Public Service spots on television. They do what is deemed good for business by their headline grabbing , Prada wearing agents ! Don't be fooled sports fans . They are not like you ! They have lived a pampered , exclusive lifestyle replete with servants, groupies , gratuitous butt kissing and no responsibilities !
ALL MEDIA HYPE ( AMH desease )
This a term use to describe those unfortunate athletes who never live up to the imaginary standard of being a jockstar ! Can you say Tim Tebow , Michelle Wie or Danica Patrick ! The public gets inundated with gratuitous hype. Their agents get a generous cut of the endorsement deals and other contracts. Some of these wannabe Jockstars get extremely bummed out and flounder like the dead fish that wash up on beaches. When some dumb jockcaster puts a label on a player like "Megatron " its hard to live up to the hype ! Its all business folks ! The idea is to grab a bunch of money while your on the radar of the public and news starved media ! Two years later you are just a question on a television entertainment trivia show. Its doesn't matter !
REVOLVING COACHES PLAN
This the process whereby head coaches in any big time sport weather it be in college or at the pro level are given less than two years to be wildly successful or are given the boot ! The number crunching , laptop analyzing , pencil necked business experts know more than the players ! The self made corporate billionaires who own sports franchises or the buzz word happy top big time University bureaucrats make the call. Its not just about winning or losing. If a head coach makes an unfortunate off the cuff remark it is often seen as a threat to the bottom line . It could have an affect on television revenue , alumni contributions or the local fan base. Players can get away with just apologizing for their poorly chosen words . Coaches get the boot ! So big time coaching can be a big time risk ! If you want to cash in then deliver the goods and watch what you say and do !
THE SPORTS MONOPOLY SNUB
This is what happens when a small group of professional sports officials and franchise owners collude to exclude those who don't religiously follow their dictates. You are on their plantation ! Unless you follow the dots correctly, indulge in gratuitous butt kissing at the right time or are connected by family ties you will be denied access to their world ! Can you spell NFL ? Say no more !
THE OUT OF TOWN SYNDROME
This refers to the reality of professional sports teams that move from a city but still market their brand like they never left town. Nowadays the big city Mayors and political hacks got their hands full just balancing the budget . While their trying to prove to their corporate masters that they are obedient and at the same type put one over on the sucker voters , things fall through the cracks. In the case of Gavin Newsom when he was the Mayor of San Francisco , that little thing was the San Francisco 49ers ! This represents a business bonanza for all the greedy small time , small town political hacks and the new breed of big business sharks. Its as bad as a B movie American actor trying to use a Russian accent. Its just a sham ! Its a branding sham !
BRANDING SHAM
See THE OUT OF TOWN SYNDROME . Exhibit A - The San Francisco 49ers and the mythical Santa Clara in the San Francisco Bay area.
THE MYTHICAL SANTA CLARA IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA
See the City of Santa Clara
WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOW YOU NO STINKIN BRIDGES !
See THE MYTHICAL SANTA CLARA IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA reference please.
PEDS HALL OF FAME FOR NON ATHLETES
This refers to the curious hypocritical phenomenon whereby sports franchise owners and their coaches , who are party to the use of steroids or other performance enhancing drugs are accorded great honors such as being inducted into a sports Hall of Fame or some other Public praise . The players get the bad press and punishment , coaches and owners get the pat on the back ! They get a pass from the Media and fans.
SPORTS ALIEN ABDUCTIONS
This refers to the strange phenomenon of specific players or collectively an entire team including the coaches completely slipping off the radar screen during an actual game in progress. During varied periods of time these players and coaches are temporarily replaced by look alike Aliens. The outer space intruders conduct tests on the abducted players and coaches while the imposters stink up the game. After finding nothing of use from the players and coaches, the outer space intruders return everyone intact to the ongoing contest. Nobody is the wiser !
CHARISMA TRANSPLANT
This a futuristic concept that has not yet been attempted in humans. It is only in the theoretical stage of development. Sports scientists are working around the clock to perfect this complex procedure that transfers the charismatic personalities of specific Jockcasters to the charisma vacant minds of boring jockcasters ! This has only been sucessfully tried on unfortunate animals. Imagine Joe Buck being Jon Gruden instantly ! We can only dream about it right now !
MILEY JERKING
This is such an important social and cultural factor that it transcends sports. Its when an entertainer who lacks the physical attributes , talent or charisma goes freaky to gain national and international attention. No longer are you required to be hip ,talented or good looking ! Just start Miley Jerking ! If you don't get arrested right away don't worry . It takes time for Miley Jerking to get across with the national and international set ! You don't even have to be an ex Mousketeer !
Note : This addition to the SCARY TALK GLOSSARY 101 is intended for educational purposes only !
Chronic Ego Ejaculation (CEE) c. 10/18/2016.
Victims: Donald Trump
Common Symptoms: Drowsiness, Vertigo, Brain Defication ( brian waste matter). With a driving force in seeking the lost stroke.
Environmental Clues: yachs spitting; moose deficating; camels barfing; bees/flys flying backwards.
WARNING FOR NON VUPS : ( see SCARY TALK GLOSSARY 101 ) Translation for VUPS : Very unimportant people. You might be confused or offended by the original terminology presented here ! Creativity is something alien to people who live in boxes but think in circles. Ex jocks who are involved in Sports media may require the services of a life style translator that will help them understand what blue collar persons sans Athletic scholarships, butt kissing University boosters and unbridled adulation , experience every day of their ho hum lives !
THE PREVENT NOTHING DEFENSE ( for the NFL )
This is the brainchild of Vic Fangio , Defensive coordinator for the San Francisco 49ers. In this setup the intention is to let the other team , which is struggling on offense , score a touchdown so they can either win the game or keep it close ! In order to have this setup work correctly the over worked defensive unit , that has been kicking ass for three quarters , just plays cover 4 and lets the other team's offense work their way down field until they score a touchdown !
Note: If the other team uses " a no huddle offense " it will accelerate the Prevent Nothing Defense !
THE PREVENT OFFENSE ( for the NFL )
This the brainchild of Greg Roman , Offensive coordinator of the San Francisco 49ers
This offense is easy to understand for any armchair warrior watching the tube at home or ignorant ticket holder at the actual game. When the offense is positioned within five yards of the end zone , the object of this offense is to do the most obvious thing so that the other team's defense and the fans watching aren't required to strain their collective brains. On the one yard line no problem ! Let the other team stack the box and run ,run , run ! On the five yard line no problem ! Take a time out so the other team's defense can make substitutions ! Then run, run , run , or wait to third down and pass ! You can't go wrong using the Prevent Offense. The text messaging fans can do their thing without fear. They know you won't score a touchdown. Why wait , just bring out the field goal unit on first down. Exhibit A - the 49ers loss to the Baltimore Ravens in last years Superbowl !
STAT CHAT
This refers to the redundant recitation of statistics by jockcasters on television or the radio. Example : Jockcaster # 1 to Jockcaster # 2 , " did you realize that when Smith scratches his left buttocks he throws an inside strike 80 % percent of the time " or Lebron James has scored a triple , double-doubled and smack talk grand slam ! " Stat Chat makes puts sports fans asleep and keeps ex jockstars gainfully employed. One use for Stat Chat is to distract the television viewers from a going nowhere game by reciting a bunch of useless facts that have no impact on the " stinker " game . Also the use of the Stat Chat is supposed to impress everyone that the charisma challenged ex jock commentator is some kind of expert !
THE DUDLY DUO
Without question Troy Aikman and Joe Buck , who are NFL jockcasters, are the most worthy of this term. Both these guys in addition to be totally square, don't register on the Charismo meter at all ! Watching Troy Aikman's acting performance on the Papa John's pizza commercials is painful ! His broadcasting performance is snore worthy. Joe Buck epitomizes what "candy ass " means ! With his bow tie and bland look Buck is as exciting as waiting in line at the DMV ! He invokes the "kick sand in my face " feeling in anyone that has red blood poring through their veins ! He is a wimp !
ADVERSE TO WHAT WORKS
See : THE PREVENT NOTHING DEFENSE or PREVENT OFFENSE
BALLER TALK
The inane banter that middle aged non jocks and ex jockstars use when talking on television or the radio about sports. The ex jockstars use Baller Talk to coverup for the fact that someone else took their exams for Basket Weaving 1A when they were attending a University ! If they say " work the elbow " or " drop step " enough then they justify their boring existence on radio or television. The middle aged guys have to throw in some Baller Talk to show that they are hip to the new smack talking , stat collecting , " its about me " generation of players ! ( Ballers ) The usually more qualified women jockcasters have to grin and bear it while their male counterparts stink up the joint !
JOCKSTAR HIP
This term is a contradiction but I will do my best to explain it. Jockstars are so conceited that they think they fell out of the crib naturally hip. If they take a dump then it it is a hip dump ! If they are inarticulate then all the better in proving their hipness ! If a football player is from Oklahoma he is sure to show up on the west coast wearing something that won't get over like a purple blazer , green shoes and a bow tie. These jockstar players , whatever their sport , show up in suits with the color coordination of the blind ! Just to prove what squares NBA jockstars are , an exclusive group of them wear phoney glasses and bow ties. They got bank but not taste ! Mom used to dress them at home and now they are lost ! People with electronic devices permanently stuck in their ears are not hip. Anyone who expects or has had a 24 hour butt kissing life is not hip ! Smack talking via twitter earns an automatic exit from the hip list. These cats might make to the Hall of Fame but will never make it to the Hall of Hip !
FANS JOCKSTAR FANTASY
Unfortunately many gullible sports fans see their favorite jockstars in a televison commercial or video clip shucking and jiving and get the wrong positive impression. The phoney friendly jockstar facade is just that, a stone front ! They will give a fan the bums rush in a New York minute. Its no picnic for the beat writers or lesser media types to try and get an interview with the mostly charm school dropout Jockstars. Yes , they do commercials and phoney Public Service spots on television. They do what is deemed good for business by their headline grabbing , Prada wearing agents ! Don't be fooled sports fans . They are not like you ! They have lived a pampered , exclusive lifestyle replete with servants, groupies , gratuitous butt kissing and no responsibilities !
ALL MEDIA HYPE ( AMH desease )
This a term use to describe those unfortunate athletes who never live up to the imaginary standard of being a jockstar ! Can you say Tim Tebow , Michelle Wie or Danica Patrick ! The public gets inundated with gratuitous hype. Their agents get a generous cut of the endorsement deals and other contracts. Some of these wannabe Jockstars get extremely bummed out and flounder like the dead fish that wash up on beaches. When some dumb jockcaster puts a label on a player like "Megatron " its hard to live up to the hype ! Its all business folks ! The idea is to grab a bunch of money while your on the radar of the public and news starved media ! Two years later you are just a question on a television entertainment trivia show. Its doesn't matter !
REVOLVING COACHES PLAN
This the process whereby head coaches in any big time sport weather it be in college or at the pro level are given less than two years to be wildly successful or are given the boot ! The number crunching , laptop analyzing , pencil necked business experts know more than the players ! The self made corporate billionaires who own sports franchises or the buzz word happy top big time University bureaucrats make the call. Its not just about winning or losing. If a head coach makes an unfortunate off the cuff remark it is often seen as a threat to the bottom line . It could have an affect on television revenue , alumni contributions or the local fan base. Players can get away with just apologizing for their poorly chosen words . Coaches get the boot ! So big time coaching can be a big time risk ! If you want to cash in then deliver the goods and watch what you say and do !
THE SPORTS MONOPOLY SNUB
This is what happens when a small group of professional sports officials and franchise owners collude to exclude those who don't religiously follow their dictates. You are on their plantation ! Unless you follow the dots correctly, indulge in gratuitous butt kissing at the right time or are connected by family ties you will be denied access to their world ! Can you spell NFL ? Say no more !
THE OUT OF TOWN SYNDROME
This refers to the reality of professional sports teams that move from a city but still market their brand like they never left town. Nowadays the big city Mayors and political hacks got their hands full just balancing the budget . While their trying to prove to their corporate masters that they are obedient and at the same type put one over on the sucker voters , things fall through the cracks. In the case of Gavin Newsom when he was the Mayor of San Francisco , that little thing was the San Francisco 49ers ! This represents a business bonanza for all the greedy small time , small town political hacks and the new breed of big business sharks. Its as bad as a B movie American actor trying to use a Russian accent. Its just a sham ! Its a branding sham !
BRANDING SHAM
See THE OUT OF TOWN SYNDROME . Exhibit A - The San Francisco 49ers and the mythical Santa Clara in the San Francisco Bay area.
THE MYTHICAL SANTA CLARA IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA
See the City of Santa Clara
WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOW YOU NO STINKIN BRIDGES !
See THE MYTHICAL SANTA CLARA IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA reference please.
PEDS HALL OF FAME FOR NON ATHLETES
This refers to the curious hypocritical phenomenon whereby sports franchise owners and their coaches , who are party to the use of steroids or other performance enhancing drugs are accorded great honors such as being inducted into a sports Hall of Fame or some other Public praise . The players get the bad press and punishment , coaches and owners get the pat on the back ! They get a pass from the Media and fans.
SPORTS ALIEN ABDUCTIONS
This refers to the strange phenomenon of specific players or collectively an entire team including the coaches completely slipping off the radar screen during an actual game in progress. During varied periods of time these players and coaches are temporarily replaced by look alike Aliens. The outer space intruders conduct tests on the abducted players and coaches while the imposters stink up the game. After finding nothing of use from the players and coaches, the outer space intruders return everyone intact to the ongoing contest. Nobody is the wiser !
CHARISMA TRANSPLANT
This a futuristic concept that has not yet been attempted in humans. It is only in the theoretical stage of development. Sports scientists are working around the clock to perfect this complex procedure that transfers the charismatic personalities of specific Jockcasters to the charisma vacant minds of boring jockcasters ! This has only been sucessfully tried on unfortunate animals. Imagine Joe Buck being Jon Gruden instantly ! We can only dream about it right now !
MILEY JERKING
This is such an important social and cultural factor that it transcends sports. Its when an entertainer who lacks the physical attributes , talent or charisma goes freaky to gain national and international attention. No longer are you required to be hip ,talented or good looking ! Just start Miley Jerking ! If you don't get arrested right away don't worry . It takes time for Miley Jerking to get across with the national and international set ! You don't even have to be an ex Mousketeer !
Note : This addition to the SCARY TALK GLOSSARY 101 is intended for educational purposes only !
BarryRodriguez (c) 2013. All Rights Reserved.
Layout by Magic Merlin Paul.
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